Jackie’s Greatest Disappearances

hair ties

5. Hair Ties

I hate realizing that I need a hair tie just as I’m on my way out of the house. I never find a hair tie ANYWHERE despite having enough for every woman in my neighborhood to have two. And then I get in the car, knowing that I have a hair tie in there SOMEWHERE. But nope. Can’t find it. Can’t find any because THEY’VE ALL DISAPPEARED. They’re with the other socks or the tupperware. I mean, who knows but there sure as hell haven’t been in my hair keeping the rat’s nest tamed. I’ve recently cut my hair and no longer have to worry about hair ties. Which, of course, means that every hair tie that has ever disappeared are turning up.



4. Rooms

Some would say Victorian homes have too many rooms that take up valuable space. Like, who really needs a smoking room and a coal room and a mud room and a fainting room? In the modern day, no one, I guess. But I enjoy the idea of my husband having his own room to chillax with his men folk, and I can have a room in which to hide and read and nap and eat candy. While the old homes with those rooms still exist, they’ve disappeared from modern floorplans. Give me a drawing room and a fainting room and a garret. I like things to be compartmentalized. I like specific activities to be assigned for specific areas. And the disappearance of rooms makes me feel too cluttered, open and scattered. And I like small spaces where I can see distinct beginnings and endings. This is probably not the popular opinion as everyone is really into the open floorplan business.


3. Solomon Northup

Solomon Northup was a freeman who was captured and sold into slavery. After being freed, Northup only had four short years of freedom before he disappeared while on a book tour. Some say he was sold into slavery again. Others say he chose to go into hiding. Nobody knows for sure. My hope is that he simply disappeared from the public eye to live a slow and simple life with his family. In my mind it plays out like some mysterious character comes out of the shadows (Like the creepy dude in Willy Wonka), offers Mr. Northup an obscene amount of money and says: “Disappear, Mr. Northup. End your tour and go home to your family. Or else…” and then walks away.


2. Lost Inuit Village

Back in the 1930’s there was a small Inuit Village near Anjikuni Lake in Canada. It’s said that 2, 000+ people just disappeared or abandoned the village, but no one knows the why or how or when. The village was found by an experienced explorer who was familar with the Inuit people of this village. He says other than NO ONE BEING AROUND nothing was out of the ordinary. Food, supplies and weapons were as they would have been on an average day. Once an investigation started, they found the village cemetary with gravesstones stacked up, and plots that had been dug up and emptied. A dog sledding team was also found burried in several inches of snow that had died of starvation. I mean, what’s up with this story, guys?


1. Hippies at Stonehenge

Stories that involve people and lightning aren’t usually amusing. But when you add hippies smoking the ganja at Stonehenge the story becomes *a little* amusing. The hippies were camping out at Stonehenge when a streak of blue lightning hit the area. A farmer witnessed the lightning strike, called the coppers and ran to the hippie tents expecting the worst. When he reached the camp, he found no bodies. Just the tents and the evidence of a lightning strike. WHERE DID THE HIPPIES GO??? WHERE???


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