Commentary: Matt’s Things That Look Better Than They Taste

Bailey’s Commentary –

5. Sugar-Free Gummy Bears

Seriously? You think Satan conjured up the idea of squishy, colorful, editable bears? Surely, he was the animating force behind worse things, like green olives and Angel food cake (ironic, yes?). But what is it exactly about gummy bears that gets to you? Is it the taste or the consistency? I’m thinking that these cavities masquerading as jellied bears fall into the same category as flan.

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4. Papaya

I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve ever had a papaya, so you could be spot on. They sound similar to the type of persimmon that’s supposed to be crunchy and hard instead of soft. Not exactly what you’re hoping for when chomping into what looks like a beautiful, succulent fruit.

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3. Biscotti

Let’s get something straight here – you admit that dunking a biscotti (or would the singular be biscottus. .  ?) in coffee makes it taste better, yet you still refuse to eat it? I mean, I’m not a coffee drinker, remember, but I think once all that crunchy sugar and chocolate is dissolved into a hot cup of coffee, the taste of both remarkably improves. That said, I agree that you need teeth of steel to bite into it hard, which makes the act risky if you’re someone who doesn’t have dental insurance.

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2. Flan

Okay, dude, are we just going to ignore the fact that you totally stole my choice here? Although I recognize that few things on earth compare to the putridness that is flan, there are lots of other things that come up as a close second.

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1. Chow Mein

Oh my. Chow mein is not only better than pasta (and gluten free? – might have to look into whether they use egg/rice noodles or wheat), but it’s got a much cooler name too. I mean, chow? Clearly, the Chinese understand just how savory this dish is. I have many memories growing up of going out to dinner with the family and enjoying the all-you-can-eat buffet with a heaping pile of this dish. Plus, all the nutritious veggies on top make it that much better. Cabbage, carrots, chicken. It’s way healthier than spaghetti, which is usually smothered in butter, cheese, and meat. Ask your girlfriend to take you out and give it a second chance.

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Jackie’s Commentary –

5. Sugar-Free Gummy Bears

My grandpa and I used to stay up after my grandma went to bed so we could watch watch boxing and eat all his sugar-free candies. And the sugar-free Werther’s Original and gummy bears were my favorite. I still get them sometimes. So, no. I refuse to believe your lies that Satan created these yummy, nostalgic gummy bear candy.

sugar-free ftw
Candy BFF

4. Papaya

Maybe it’s my islander blood, maybe it’s because I’m not a hater, but I like papaya. It isn’t my most favorite to eat on its own but I definitely wouldn’t put it in the garbage disposal. Not even the trash can. I do like them in my smoothies with a banana, some spinach, pineapple, mango, and almond milk. Or on a fruit pizza. Mmm, fruit pizza.

You're beautiful.
You’re beautiful.

3. Biscotti

A shortbread cookie half-dipped in dark chocolate sounds divine. But so does an almond biscotti. I’m all about those almond biscotti. I know they’re hard and dry from the twice-baked technique they journey through, but they’re still yumm-o in my book. Especially, if they’re homemade with a cup of black coffee. Oh, yeeah

I love you like I love my red wine. Dry. But sexy.
I love you like I love my red wine. Dry. But sexy.

2. Flan

YOU’RE A PILE OF LITERAL CRAP! No, I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant to say. You’re great. But you’re a bully. You’re both bullies! Just shut your face! Shut your pie hole! It doesn’t deserve food!

You make me sad.

Farealz.
Farealz.

1. Chow Mein

And now I’m just angry.

I mean.
I mean.

If someone ding-dong ditches your house and leaves a box of chow mein on your doorstep, know it was most definitely me that did it.

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