5. Allsup’s Famous Beef & Bean Chimichanga. Allsup’s convenience store was about the only alternative to the school cafeteria/snack bar when you’re a high school student without a car. I have eaten many of these in my day and the irony of it all is that with each one devoured, one of my days was taken away from me. I guess it is still better than the hair-riddled “meat surprise” that the lunch ladies cooked up on the daily.
4. Soda Pop Flavor Syrups. Lime, Lemon, Vanilla and Cherry. You know they make bottles of various soft drinks that are already flooded with corn syrup flavoring, why would you want the public to put even MORE in their soft drinks. The human body can’t handle the crap that’s in a normal bottle of Cherry Coke (let alone regular Coke…or coke, for that matter), why would this ever be a good idea. Plus, it is assured to make your soda pop taste terrible. Hey, here’s an idea, why don’t you buy a freaking lime and squeeze it in.
3. Cherry Sours. I like sour candy. I love Warheads. But cherry flavored candies always taste like cough syrup and the last thing I want is my candy tasting like soured cough syrup. Much like I don’t want my chocolate milk soured like the last time I ate at the Waffle House.
2. Granny B’s Original Pink Sugar Cookie. This is basically like eating a small bag of sugar in each wrapped package. But good lawd, they are amazing and that is why this belongs on the worst convenience store items. I still, to this day, will eat one on occasion and then suffer such traumatic bouts of guilt that I end up fasting for 2-3 days afterwards as an act of contrition. Not only that but that pink icing coats the inside of your mouth like a really solid lead paint after you eat it.
1. Any Other Flavor Of Moon Pies That Aren’t The Original Chocolate Flavor. I love the original moon pies. Its like a s’more in my mouth. But then they had to go and create alternate flavors. Banana? Really? Salted Caramel? With Marshmallow? Disgusting. Strawberry? Gag me. A moon pie ain’t a moon pie unless its chocolate, plain and simple. All these other flavors are for hippies. And America doesn’t like hippies. Or Communists.