5. Holly Hallstorm from The Price is Right:
The brunette. All of Barker’s Beauties were blonde except for her. She made my soul howl, man. The way she was would demo those products with grace and elegance. I don’t know what it was, but I was hooked. Sick days and holidays were the best because that’d be the only time I could stay at home for the 10am airing of Price and, if you were really lucky, they’d give a hot tub or a boat away in the Showcase Showdown and you could see her in her bathing suit!
Now, I realize that this is like selecting Kevin McHale for your Dream Team, but I gotta be real. Holly was that girl. Some guys were Vanna White guys, I’m sticking with my Holly. Love you, girl.
4. Mid-80s Jane Pauley:
Okay, following Kevin McHale with Moses Malone, I present to you mid-80s Jane Pauley! Now, for the earliest part of my life, Jane Pauley was my breakfast treat. She was always there delivering the news with gusto and edge. She was smart, witty, always looked sharp, had long flowing hair and sounded British (later to discover that was a midwestern accent). I know I’m losing you here. Trust me, the list gets better. But gotta get these two out of the way because Jane Pauley was that crush until 1984. As a young boy, I didn’t really know what age range I was supposed to be attracted to until I went to 1st grade and got teased on the playground for that picture of Jane Pauley in my Trapper Keeper. I was into a long list of 30-somethings. Linda Carter as Wonder Woman, Carrie Fisher as Princess Lea, Jane Pauley, Shelly Long.
But Jane, you were my girl. Even though nearly 30 years separated us, I understood you like Bryant Gumble couldn’t. I might’ve had a hard time explaining you to my friends, but maybe they weren’t my friends after all.
3. Elisabeth Shue as Alli with an ‘i’:
If you were a boy between the ages 0 – 22 in fall of 1984, the game changed for you the moment you saw her. Shit got real. Elisabeth Shue came sprinting into your life with that crazy teenage girl energy. She was that smoking honey from history class, that goddess on the other side of the lunch room, that one on the cheerleader squad in the yearbook that you would just gush over. And, lucky you, she had a thing for lowlife mongoloids from the other side of the tracks (see scrawny Ralph Macchio). I mean, if he could hook up with her, you certainly had a chance. Plus, she was crazy rich and you fantasized about marrying into that wealth and driving that Lamborghini you always wanted. A 7 year old has priorities, man.
2. Lark Voorhies as Lisa Turtle:
“Saved by the Bell” offered a lot of eye candy for a young boy. And, in a world of Kelly Kapowski’s, Lisa Turtle represented something more intriguing. She was as dumb as a sack of hammers, but she wasn’t stupid. Her smile lit up the room and she was quite the fashionista as she made the halls of Bayside her own personal catwalk. I think Lark Voorhies was the first time I was attracted to a celebrity that was not white which might’ve had something to do with the attraction. She was an absolute doll until this weirdness happened.
I’m no therapist, but ol’ Lark might have some issues she’s wrestling with. I ain’t mad at her, though. Lark, I see you. You stay up.
1. Alyssa Milano as Alyssa Milano:
Also, in 1984, it’d be the first time my eyes would catch a glance (and later would longingly stare) of Alyssa Milano. 1984 was heavy, man. The attraction was instantaneous. There was no denying this girl’s sexiness even at such a young age. She commanded the screen with her italiana toughness and her cutesy side-smile. She had this approachability that few TV bombshells possessed. It was a unique level of vulnerability and self-awareness that elevated her coolness. Plus, she was just freaking hot. Any time she was on screen, Tony Danza’s meaningless dialogue became mush-mouth utterances. I couldn’t even tell you what was going in almost any episode of “Who’s the Boss,” because I was just busy fantasizing about Alyssa Milano. When she was on screen, the rest of the world was obliterated to bits. That, my friends, is a crush.
Sidenote: I may have, in a possessed state of unfulfilled love hunger, gone to my local library, located a Beverly Hills phone book and looked up “Milano, Alyssa” as if it was just that easy.